Lesson 56 Explore 2: Apologizing—A Key to Making Peace
“APOLOGIES are powerful. They resolve conflicts without violence, repair schisms between nations, allow governments to acknowledge the suffering of their citizens, and restore equilibrium to personal relationships.” So wrote Deborah Tannen, a best-selling author and sociolinguist at Georgetown University in Washington, D.C.
The Bible confirms that a sincere apology is often an effective way to repair a damaged relationship. For example, in Jesus’ parable of the prodigal son, when the son returned home and offered a heartfelt apology, the father was more than ready to receive him back into the household.
(Luke 15.17-24: “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired men have more than enough bread, while I am dying here from hunger! I will get up and travel to my father and say to him: “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Make me as one of your hired men.”’ So he got up and went to his father. While he was still a long way off, his father caught sight of him and was moved with pity, and he ran and embraced him and tenderly kissed him. Then the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy of being called your son.’ But the father said to his slaves, ‘Quick! bring out a robe, the best one, and clothe him with it, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. Also bring the fattened calf, slaughter it, and let us eat and celebrate, for this son of mine was dead but has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.’ And they started to enjoy themselves.)
Yes, a person should never be too proud to swallow his pride, apologize, and seek forgiveness. Of course, for sincerely humble individuals, apologies are not so difficult to make.
The Power of an Apology
Abigail, a wise woman in ancient Israel, provides an example of the power of an apology, although her apology was for a wrong that her husband had committed. While dwelling in the wilderness, David, who later became king of Israel, together with his men protected the flock that belonged to Abigail’s husband, Nabal. Yet, when David’s young men asked for bread and water, Nabal sent them away with very insulting remarks. Provoked, David led about 400 men to go up against Nabal and his household. Upon learning of the situation, Abigail set out to meet David. When she saw him, she fell upon her face at his feet. Then she said: “Upon me myself, O my lord, be the error; and, please, let your slave girl speak in your ears, and listen to the words of your slave girl.” Abigail then explained the situation and gave David a gift of food and drink. At that, he said: “Go up in peace to your house. See, I have listened to your voice that I may have consideration for your person.”-
(1 Samuel 25.2-35: Now there was a man in Maon whose work was in Carmel. The man was very wealthy; he had 3,000 sheep and 1,000 goats, and he was then shearing his sheep at Carmel. The man’s name was Nabal, and his wife’s name was Abigail. The wife was discerning and beautiful, but the husband, a Calebite, was harsh, and he behaved badly. David heard in the wilderness that Nabal was shearing his sheep. So David sent ten young men to him, and David told the young men: “Go up to Carmel, and when you come to Nabal, ask him in my name about his welfare. Then say, ‘May you live long and may you be well and may your household be well and may all that you have be well. Now I hear that you are doing your shearing. When your shepherds were with us, we did not harm them, and they found nothing missing the whole time they were in Carmel. Ask your young men, and they will tell you. May my young men find favor in your eyes, because we have come at a joyous time. Please give to your servants and to your son David whatever you can spare.’” So David’s young men went and told all of this to Nabal in David’s name. When they finished, Nabal answered David’s servants: “Who is David, and who is the son of Jesse? Nowadays many servants are breaking away from their masters. Do I have to take my bread and my water and the meat that I butchered for my shearers and give it to men who come from who knows where?” At that David’s young men returned and reported all these words to him. David immediately said to his men: “Everyone strap on your sword!” So they all strapped on their swords, and David also strapped on his own sword, and about 400 men went up with David, while 200 men stayed with the baggage. Meanwhile, one of the servants reported to Abigail, Nabal’s wife: “Look! David sent messengers from the wilderness to wish our master well, but he screamed insults at them. Those men were very good to us. They never harmed us, and we did not miss a single thing the whole time we were together with them in the fields. They were like a protective wall around us, both by night and by day, the whole time we were with them shepherding the flock. Now decide what you are going to do, for disaster has been determined against our master and against all his house, and he is such a worthless man that no one can speak to him.” So Abigail quickly took 200 loaves of bread, two large jars of wine, five dressed sheep, five seah measures of roasted grain, 100 cakes of raisins, and 200 cakes of pressed figs and put all of it on the donkeys. Then she said to her servants: “Go on ahead of me; I will follow you.” But she said nothing to her husband Nabal. While she was riding on the donkey and going down under cover of the mountain, just then David and his men were coming down toward her, and she met them. Now David had been saying: “It was for nothing that I guarded everything that belongs to this fellow in the wilderness. Not a single thing belonging to him went missing, and yet he repays me evil for good. May God do the same and more to the enemies of David if I allow a single male of his to survive until the morning.” When Abigail caught sight of David, she hurried down off the donkey and threw herself facedown before David, bowing to the ground. She then fell at his feet and said: “My lord, let the blame be on me; let your servant girl speak to you, and listen to the words of your servant girl. Please, do not let my lord pay attention to this worthless Nabal, for he is just like his name. Nabal is his name, and senselessness is with him. But I, your servant girl, did not see my lord’s young men whom you sent. And now, my lord, as surely as Jehovah is living and as you are living, it is Jehovah who has held you back from incurring bloodguilt and from taking revenge with your own hand. May your enemies and those seeking injury to my lord become like Nabal. Now let this gift that your servant girl has brought to my lord be given to the young men who are following my lord. Pardon, please, the transgression of your servant girl, for Jehovah will without fail make for my lord a lasting house, because my lord is fighting the wars of Jehovah, and no evil has been found in you all your days. When someone rises up to pursue you and seeks your life, the life of my lord will be wrapped securely in the bag of life with Jehovah your God, but the lives of your enemies he will hurl away like stones from a sling. And when Jehovah has done for my lord all the good things he has promised and he appoints you as leader over Israel, you will have no remorse or regret in your heart for shedding blood without cause and for letting the hand of my lord take revenge. When Jehovah confers good upon my lord, remember your servant girl.” At this David said to Abigail: “Praise Jehovah the God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me! And blessed be your good sense! May you be blessed for restraining me this day from incurring bloodguilt and from taking revenge with my own hands. Otherwise, as surely as Jehovah the God of Israel who held me back from harming you is living, if you had not come quickly to meet me, by morning there would not have remained a single male belonging to Nabal.” With that David accepted from her what she had brought him and said to her: “Go up in peace to your house. See, I have listened to you, and I will grant your request.”)
Abigail’s humble attitude along with her words of apology for her husband’s rude behavior spared her household. David even thanked her for restraining him from entering into bloodguilt. Although it was not Abigail who had mistreated David and his men, she accepted the blame for her family and made peace with David.
Another example of someone who knew when to apologize is the apostle Paul. Once, he had to defend himself before the Sanhedrin, the Jewish high court. Infuriated by Paul’s honest words, the high priest Ananias ordered those standing by Paul to strike him on the mouth. At that, Paul said to him: “God is going to strike you, you whitewashed wall. Do you at one and the same time sit to judge me in accord with the Law and, transgressing the Law, command me to be struck?” When onlookers accused Paul of reviling the high priest, the apostle immediately admitted his error, saying: “Brothers, I did not know he was high priest. For it is written, ‘You must not speak injuriously of a ruler of your people.’”-
(Acts 23.1-5: Looking intently at the Sanhedrin, Paul said: “Men, brothers, I have behaved before God with a perfectly clear conscience down to this day.” At this the high priest Ananias ordered those standing by him to strike him on the mouth. Then Paul said to him: “God is going to strike you, you whitewashed wall. Do you sit to judge me according to the Law and at the same time violate the Law by commanding me to be struck?” Those standing by said: “Are you insulting the high priest of God?” And Paul said: “Brothers, I did not know he was high priest. For it is written, ‘You must not speak injuriously of a ruler of your people.’”)
What Paul had said-that the one appointed as judge should not resort to violence-was valid. Still, he apologized for unknowingly speaking to the high priest in a manner that could be viewed as being disrespectful. * Paul’s apology paved the way for the Sanhedrin to listen to what he had to say. Since Paul was aware of the controversy among the members of the court, he told them that he was being tried for his belief in the resurrection. Consequently, much dissension arose, with the Pharisees siding with Paul.-
(Acts 23.6-10: Now Paul, knowing that the one part was made up of Sadducees but the other of Pharisees, cried out in the Sanhedrin: “Men, brothers, I am a Pharisee, a son of Pharisees. Over the hope of the resurrection of the dead I am being judged.” Because he said this, a dissension arose between the Pharisees and the Sadducees, and the assembly was split. For the Sadducees say that there is neither resurrection nor angel nor spirit, but the Pharisees accept them all. So a great uproar broke out, and some of the scribes of the party of the Pharisees rose and began arguing fiercely, saying: “We find nothing wrong in this man, but if a spirit or an angel spoke to him—.” Now when the dissension grew great, the military commander feared that Paul would be torn apart by them, and he commanded the soldiers to go down and snatch him from their midst and bring him into the soldiers’ quarters.)
What can we learn from these two Biblical examples? In both instances, honest expressions of regret opened the way for further communication. So words of apology can help us to make peace. Yes, admitting our mistakes and apologizing for damage done can open up opportunities for constructive discussions.
‘But I Have Not Done Anything Wrong’
When we find out that someone was offended by what we said or did, we may feel that the person is being unreasonable or too sensitive. Yet, Jesus Christ advised his disciples: “If, then, you are bringing your gift to the altar and you there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar, and go away; first make your peace with your brother, and then, when you have come back, offer up your gift.”-
(Matthew 5.23, 24: “If, then, you are bringing your gift to the altar and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar, and go away. First make your peace with your brother, and then come back and offer your gift.)
For example, a brother may feel that you have sinned against him. In such a situation, Jesus says that you are to go and “make your peace with your brother,” whether you feel you have done him wrong or not. According to the Greek text, the word Jesus here used ‘denotes mutual concession after mutual hostility.’ (Vine’s Expository Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words) Indeed, when two humans are at odds, there may be a measure of blame on both sides, since both are imperfect and prone to err. This usually calls for mutual concessions.
The issue is, not so much who is right and who is wrong, but who will take the initiative to make peace. When the apostle Paul noticed that the Christians in Corinth were taking fellow servants of God to secular courts over such personal differences as financial disagreements, he corrected them: “Why do you not rather let yourselves be wronged? Why do you not rather let yourselves be defrauded?”
(1 Corinthians 6.7: Really, it is already a defeat for you when you have lawsuits with one another. Why not rather let yourselves be wronged? Why do you not rather let yourselves be defrauded?)
Although Paul said this to discourage fellow Christians from airing their personal differences in secular courts, the principle is clear: Peace among fellow believers is more important than proving who is right and who is wrong. Keeping this principle in mind makes it easier to apologize for a wrong that someone thinks we have committed against him or her.
Sincerity Needed
Some people, though, overuse the words that are meant to express apology. For instance, in Japan, the word sumimasen, a typical expression used in apologizing, is heard thousands of times. It can even be used to express gratitude, implying an uneasy feeling of not being able to reciprocate the favor shown. Because of its versatility, some may feel that the word is used too often and may wonder if those saying it are really sincere. Forms of apology may seem to be overused in other cultures too.
In any language, it is important to be sincere when extending an apology. The wording and the tone of voice should convey the genuineness of sorrow. Jesus Christ taught his disciples in the Sermon on the Mount: “Just let your word Yes mean Yes, your No, No; for what is in excess of these is from the wicked one.”
(Matthew 5.37: Just let your word ‘Yes’ mean yes, your ‘No,’ no, for what goes beyond these is from the wicked one.)
If you apologize, mean it! To illustrate: A man in line at an airport check-in counter apologized when his luggage nudged the woman waiting next in line. A few minutes later, when the line moved, the suitcase again touched the woman. Once more, the man courteously apologized. When the same thing happened yet another time, the woman’s traveling companion told him that if he really meant what he had said, he should make sure that the baggage did not touch the woman again. Yes, a sincere apology should be accompanied by the determination not to repeat the mistake.
If we are sincere, our apology will include an admission of any wrong, a seeking of forgiveness, and an effort to undo damage to the extent possible. In turn, the one who was offended should readily forgive the repentant wrongdoer.
(Matthew 18.21, 22: Then Peter came and said to him: “Lord, how many times is my brother to sin against me and am I to forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him: “I say to you, not up to seven times, but up to 77 times.)
(Mark 11.25: And when you stand praying, forgive whatever you have against anyone, so that your Father who is in the heavens may also forgive you your trespasses.”)
(Ephesians 4.32: But become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate, freely forgiving one another just as God also by Christ freely forgave you.)
(Colossians 3.13: Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely even if anyone has a cause for complaint against another. Just as Jehovah freely forgave you, you must also do the same.)
Since both parties are imperfect, peacemaking may not always proceed smoothly. Still, words of apology are a strong force toward making peace.
When an Apology Is Inappropriate
Although expressions of regret and sorrow have a soothing effect and contribute to peace, a wise person avoids using such expressions when it is not appropriate to do so. Suppose, for example, that the issue involves integrity to God. When Jesus Christ was on earth, “he humbled himself and became obedient as far as death, yes, death on a torture stake.”
(Philippians 2.8: More than that, when he came as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death, yes, death on a torture stake.)
He did not, however, apologize for his beliefs in order to alleviate his suffering. And Jesus did not offer an apology when the high priest demanded: “By the living God I put you under oath to tell us whether you are the Christ the Son of God!” Instead of sheepishly apologizing, Jesus courageously replied: “You yourself said it. Yet I say to you men, From henceforth you will see the Son of man sitting at the right hand of power and coming on the clouds of heaven.”
(Matthew 26.63, 64: But Jesus kept silent. So the high priest said to him: “I put you under oath by the living God to tell us whether you are the Christ, the Son of God!” Jesus said to him: “You yourself said it. But I say to you: From now on you will see the Son of man sitting at the right hand of power and coming on the clouds of heaven.”)
The thought of keeping peace with the high priest at the cost of his integrity to his Father, Jehovah God, never occurred to Jesus.
Christians show respect and honor to people in authority. Still, they have no need to apologize for their obedience to God and for their love for their brothers.-
(Matthew 28.19, 20: Go, therefore, and make disciples of people of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the holy spirit, teaching them to observe all the things I have commanded you. And look! I am with you all the days until the conclusion of the system of things.”)
(Romans 13.5-7: There is therefore compelling reason for you to be in subjection, not only on account of that wrath but also on account of your conscience. That is why you are also paying taxes; for they are God’s public servants constantly serving this very purpose. Render to all their dues: to the one who calls for the tax, the tax; to the one who calls for the tribute, the tribute; to the one who calls for fear, such fear; to the one who calls for honor, such honor.)
No Obstacle to Peace
Today, we make mistakes because we inherited imperfection and sin from our ancestor Adam.
(Romans 5.12: That is why, just as through one man sin entered into the world and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because they had all sinned—.)
(1 John 1.10: If we make the statement, “We have not sinned,” we are making him a liar, and his word is not in us.)
Adam’s sinful condition was a result of his rebellion against the Creator. Originally, though, Adam and Eve were perfect and sinless, and God has promised to restore humans to this state of perfection. He will wipe away sin and all its effects.-
(1 Corinthians 15.56, 57: The sting producing death is sin, and the power for sin is the Law. But thanks to God, for he gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!)
Just think what that will mean! In his counsel on the use of the tongue, Jesus’ half brother James said: “If anyone does not stumble in word, this one is a perfect man, able to bridle also his whole body.”
(James 3.2: For we all stumble many times. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able to bridle also his whole body.)
A perfect man can control his tongue so that he does not have to apologize for its misuse. He is ‘able to bridle his whole body.’ How wonderful it will be when we become perfect! Then, there will no longer be obstacles to peace between individuals. In the meantime, though, offering a sincere and appropriate apology for a wrong committed will go a long way toward making peace.
[End of article.]